What about the mom?

I haven't blogged in over a year since the twins were born because well, who has time to sit down and type? Not this mom. Today the kids are playing nicely together, so here it is, a whole new blog since the old one was primarily about pregnancy. This one is about the reality oof being a mom. Specifically, the negative aspects that no one likes to talk about.
As I was on a family trip out of town this past week, I heard multiple people say they were concerned about how tired Erik seemed/ must be and that maybe they should do something to give HIM some rest. This really got to me because this seems to be a common theme. "He has all three kids by himself?" "I bet he's tired when you get home from work!" "He deserves an award". People act like he's doing me a favor, like he's babysitting for me or something. Guess what, these are HIS kids too!
I need to say here that Erik is an amazing husband and father and ALWAYS helps me as much as he can and never makes me feel like it's only my job. It's all the other peoples comments that irritate me.
What I've realized is that simply because I'm the mom, I must enjoy every second of being around the kids. When you become a mom, you stop being seen as a human. You shouldn't get tired or irritated or overwhelmed. You're suddenly ONLY a mom. Time for yourself? Not necessary. Need for adult conversation? Not anymore. Rest? Forget it. Moms seem to actually be looked down on if they want time away from their children. If we have a day where we just want to lay on the couch and let the kids destroy the house, people think you are a bad mom.
I have a relative who once criticized my sister a few years ago (who was a stay at home mom) for being on facebook too much. Now that I have kids of my own, I see why she was on Facebook a lot. Being at home with three little kids is isolating and lonely and mind numbing. You don't talk to anyone about anything interesting. You don't do anything productive. You sit around in piles of toys and laundry that you can't do anything about because these clingy little monkeys scream and pull on your pant legs if you try to move two feet away from them. Facebook is a peek into the outside world. It's a bit like being in prison and you'll take any opportunity to see what other adults are doing or to engage in conversation with them. This relative who criticized my sister had no idea what she was going through and he is of course a man. Men are treated differently in the parenting world. It is normal for them to need time for themselves or take a break and they deserve a prize in other peoples eyes if they help out with bath or dinner time. Do moms get a prize? No. In fact, you are scrutinized if you don't do it perfectly. Everything is the moms fault and the moms responsibility. If someone comes to my house and sees just how messy it is, they don't think "man Erik needs to clean up", nope it's on me.
Erik has the kids alone about once every two weeks and every single time, his parents offer to help him out. I have the kids alone six times as much as he does and it is rare that someone offers to help me and when they do it is always because I prompted it with some kind of desperate facebook status or text describing how miserable my day is. An offer "just because" someone felt like helping almost never happens for me.
I took my kids into paul mitchell the school so my younger sister could do their hair for their birthday portrait session. I got a few "looks" (not friendly) and my sister tells me that they don't really like kids here. They like to keep a "professional" image and kids get on peoples nerves. Paul mitchell is not the only place I've encountered like this. Most of the world does not accommodate children. The thing is, I agree that kids are freaking annoying. Believe me, I have to live with them! But I'm still a person who needs to go places and get things done and because I have kids, I'm not welcome. I am a "professional" as well, but now that I've procreated, I don't belong in those places. People have kids. Always have, Always will. It's a part of life that people who don't currently have young kids refuse to accommodate.  Just one more way that moms are isolated.
I like to compare this to handicapped people. Businesses are required to go out of their way to accommodate them. It is wrong to think of them as being in the way or as being a bother. They make ramps for them and help them out the door. As they should!
But moms should be seen as having a handicap too. We have these mentally impaired people who don't yet know social rules or how to follow directions. Often we are wheeling them around in "wheelchairs" (strollers).
Or the elderly. They often need a glass of water to take their medication or help to and from their cars and people are always willing to help. They are not unwelcome in public places because they take a little more maintenance.
If anything, people should feel sorry for moms and be willing to help them make even the smallest task just a little bit easier. My kids are getting on your nerves? Imagine how I feel! I'm the one responsible for trying to keep them quiet so they don't bother you. What I really want to say is "you know what, I don't feel sorry for you! You have to endure 15 minutes of more noise than you would like? And then you can go back to your quiet car and your quiet home and do whatever the hell you want? Cry me a freaking river! Do you have any idea how hard my daily life is?!"
I often have three screaming children in the back seat. Once in this past year I was driving along and both twins were crying and Corynn was whining something at me. Anyone who has experienced driving with criers knows just how nerve wracking it is! Really one of the most irritating things. Of course I was in a hurry to get home and get the kids the heck out of the car and so at one point I cut a lady off to quickly get in the lane I needed. She honked at me and made some kind of angry gesture in my rear view mirror. But I didn't feel bad at all! She was a 50 something lady in a comfortable luxury car ALONE, with a cold beverage in her hand and probably listening to her favorite music. I don't feel even a little bit bad that I made her have to hit her brakes. Again, cry me a freaking river. I need a bumper sticker that says "screaming babies on board... mom gone crazy".
I know many people think and say "you had the kids, you take care of them". Yes I did have these kids and I REALLY wanted these kids, and it is my job to raise them and I don't expect anyone else to take care of them but it would be nice if people had the attitude of "what can I do to make a moms day easier?" instead of "get your kids away from me".
And this is from people who don't currently have kids...not to mention the mompetition from all the other moms who always think their way is the only and the best way to be a mom. But that's a whole other post.
I often think that I love love love my kids but I don't love being a mom. It's hard hard work with no breaks. Sometimes I think "why did I want kids again?" (Of course I'm frequently reminded of the answer to that question).
They are my greatest gift and blessing and I love them more than anything, but the day to day business of taking care of them can really bring a girl down. I have never needed an antidepressant until now. I started taking one when the twins were five months old and it does help.
But I can't help but still be saddened by the lack of sympathy and support that is out there for moms. People either don't get it or just don't care.
I hear a lot of "I did my time" from the older generations when they want to do anything but help me. I get that. In fact, I already look forward to when I can say the same words. But my goal is to try not to. I suppose they say it because the same words were spoken to them. They did most of the work alone so they too are completely worn out. Whereas if people had been willing to help them, they might not be as tired and wouldn't think of it as "doing time" and in return they would help me. Someone along the way has to change that cycle of thinking. I hope I can do that for my adult children.
Now, I'm not wanting someone to watch my kids for me every day. But the occasional "I can watch them for an hour while you clean your kitchen" would sure be nice.
It's no secret that early motherhood has been a struggle for me! I was an older sibling of much younger siblings that I helped care for often and I'm a NICU nurse surrounded by babies and yet I STILL didn't realize what I was getting myself into. It is so much harder than anyone can ever prepare you for.
Up until age two when they know how to use words, a fork and the toilet, motherhoood doesn't suit me well. Not that I'm not good at it. In fact, I think I'm pretty amazing at it considering I had a two year old and twin infants. I mean, that alone makes me supermom. When I say it doesn't suit me, I mean I don't enjoy it. I didn't like breast feeding, I don't like baby wearing, and I can't stand the screaming. I much prefer kids over babies.
feels good to vent about it a bit. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?