I already know what your family looks like and you can just tell me "thank you" in person or shoot me a text.
Waste
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
pet peeve
Christmas cards and thank you notes. In an age of email, texts and social media I find these things to be ridiculous additions to my recycling bin.
Just one child
I can't stand when people without children of their own try to give parenting advice or make statements about how THEY would parent or judge how others parent. I think most parents feel this way, and it's not really a secret. But what is new for me is feeling this way toward people with only one child. It's not nearly as strong of a feeling as the ones I have toward non-parents but I can't help but be a little annoyed when a parent with one kid tries to tell me that "this is how to do it" or "I did it this way and it worked for me" or "I do this and my kid has turned out okay" etc etc.....
I understand why they feel this way, because I actually felt this way a little bit with my first. I wanted to take a little bit of credit for everything she did. She walked early, she was an advanced talker and relatively smart for her age. She slept through the night in her own bed at three months old. She was easily and quickly potty trained at just 22 months old. Of course, I wanted to think that all of this had to be from my parenting skills. I'll admit- I especially felt this way about the potty training. I thought that I knew the right method and thought that if everyone just listened to me, potty training wouldn't be a big deal.
Until I had two more kids and tried the same method. It didn't work with either of them. Eventually I had my girl twin trained around 26 months but at almost 2 1/2 I'm still battling with my son. I've decided that there is no right way to potty train. You have to know your kids personality and do what you think will work for them.
I'm learning to eat my words on a lot of things. A lot of things that I said I would NEVER do.... use pull ups for example. I was strongly against them and now I'm not. The daycare actually requested them so they could work on potty training as a class without cleaning up the accidents of 16 two year olds. I get it now. Maybe for a kid who's not in daycare, pull ups seem silly but with my kids and our situation it works.
Until you have more than one kid, you aren't able to see just how much each child comes into this world with their own personality and that you really have to tweak your parenting for each child.
Parents of one kid- don't take too much credit for anything.
I understand why they feel this way, because I actually felt this way a little bit with my first. I wanted to take a little bit of credit for everything she did. She walked early, she was an advanced talker and relatively smart for her age. She slept through the night in her own bed at three months old. She was easily and quickly potty trained at just 22 months old. Of course, I wanted to think that all of this had to be from my parenting skills. I'll admit- I especially felt this way about the potty training. I thought that I knew the right method and thought that if everyone just listened to me, potty training wouldn't be a big deal.
Until I had two more kids and tried the same method. It didn't work with either of them. Eventually I had my girl twin trained around 26 months but at almost 2 1/2 I'm still battling with my son. I've decided that there is no right way to potty train. You have to know your kids personality and do what you think will work for them.
I'm learning to eat my words on a lot of things. A lot of things that I said I would NEVER do.... use pull ups for example. I was strongly against them and now I'm not. The daycare actually requested them so they could work on potty training as a class without cleaning up the accidents of 16 two year olds. I get it now. Maybe for a kid who's not in daycare, pull ups seem silly but with my kids and our situation it works.
Until you have more than one kid, you aren't able to see just how much each child comes into this world with their own personality and that you really have to tweak your parenting for each child.
Parents of one kid- don't take too much credit for anything.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
video game
I love to watch the MTV shows 16 and pregnant and the teen mom series. I think it makes me feel better about my life to see these young girls having an even harder time than I have with this mom thing. I feel for them, I really do!
I heard a great analogy from one of the teen dads. His new girlfriend does not have kids of her own. She wants to get married and have kids. He is hesitant. She is mad.
The child he has from his teenage relationship is now four years old. He has finally reached a point that life is not so hard.
He explains it to his girlfriend like this. "It's like you have a video game that you play all day every day for four years of your life and after four years you finally beat the hardest level, but then someone comes along and says you have to start that game all over again from the very beginning."
This is so perfect. I couldn't agree more. My life has been very hard and many people ask me why I had my kids close together in age (two years).
Before I ever had kids, I said I wanted two kids about three to four years apart. I had heard this was perfect so I was going to do it the "perfect" way.
But along came the shock of my first child and I decided that if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it now and get it over with. We were already in baby prison, and I knew that once we got out at 3-4 years, I would not want to go back and start over again.
So we crammed them together.
Now, I of course did not know I was going to get twins the second time around.
It's been hard. Very hard. But in the long run, I'm glad I'm not going to have to start over at level one of this video game. Once I beat it, I will be DONE.
I heard a great analogy from one of the teen dads. His new girlfriend does not have kids of her own. She wants to get married and have kids. He is hesitant. She is mad.
The child he has from his teenage relationship is now four years old. He has finally reached a point that life is not so hard.
He explains it to his girlfriend like this. "It's like you have a video game that you play all day every day for four years of your life and after four years you finally beat the hardest level, but then someone comes along and says you have to start that game all over again from the very beginning."
This is so perfect. I couldn't agree more. My life has been very hard and many people ask me why I had my kids close together in age (two years).
Before I ever had kids, I said I wanted two kids about three to four years apart. I had heard this was perfect so I was going to do it the "perfect" way.
But along came the shock of my first child and I decided that if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it now and get it over with. We were already in baby prison, and I knew that once we got out at 3-4 years, I would not want to go back and start over again.
So we crammed them together.
Now, I of course did not know I was going to get twins the second time around.
It's been hard. Very hard. But in the long run, I'm glad I'm not going to have to start over at level one of this video game. Once I beat it, I will be DONE.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
the best they could
Since having kids, the thing I learned most about my parents is that they did the best they could. We're all doing the best we can. I will never again judge any decision my parents made or blame them for any negative part of my life or how I turned out.
No one knows how to perfectly raise kids to be perfect people. We all try the best we know how.
Am I feeding them the right foods? Disciplining enough or too little or the right way? Do I say no too much? Say yes too much? Give them too much or too little attention? Am I emotionally available? Do I talk about things too much or not enough? Am I over protective or too lax?
So many things to try and do right and what I now realize about my parents is THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO.
As kids, our parents are like teachers to us. They fill one role and one role only. We don't see them as being their own person outside of caring for us. Like when you see your teacher at the grocery store and you're almost shocked to see them there.
We think our parents job is to cater to our every need and be there for us whenever we need them. But once you have your own kids, you realize just how high of expectations you had for your parents.
Parents are still people with their own interests and needs. We still need breaks, time for ourselves, rest etc...
My parents worked hard and did the best they could. Did they make any mistakes? I'm sure they did. I'm also sure I'm making mistakes as well.
why the negative?
I blog about all the negative parts of motherhood because I feel like it's the taboo part that no one talks about.
EVERYONE talks about how much they love their kids, how they are such blessings, the best thing that ever happened to them, the light of their life etc etc
and yes they are all of that. We know. Of course.
But to say that sometimes you have days where you wish you could have a mom break is a little off limits. People look at you like you're a horrible person if you don't love every single second of every single day.
In the first two years I often say that I love my kids, but I don't love being a mom.
They are amazing but the daily grind is not.
So, having a blog to talk about the negative does not mean I don't feel just as amazingly about my kids as all the bubbly posting moms, it just means I want to be realistic and maybe make another mom out there feel like they're not alone when they are having a rough day (or week or month).
EVERYONE talks about how much they love their kids, how they are such blessings, the best thing that ever happened to them, the light of their life etc etc
and yes they are all of that. We know. Of course.
But to say that sometimes you have days where you wish you could have a mom break is a little off limits. People look at you like you're a horrible person if you don't love every single second of every single day.
In the first two years I often say that I love my kids, but I don't love being a mom.
They are amazing but the daily grind is not.
So, having a blog to talk about the negative does not mean I don't feel just as amazingly about my kids as all the bubbly posting moms, it just means I want to be realistic and maybe make another mom out there feel like they're not alone when they are having a rough day (or week or month).
they grow up so fast??
Everyone says that time flies and kids just grow up too fast.
Does it really? Do they really?
I'm not so sure I agree with this. I felt like the first year of the twins' life was going by incredibly slow. Every day was so difficult that I just remember saying over and over "I can't wait until they turn one and can walk." Then after the first birthday came and went I said "I can't wait til they turn two and can talk and feed themselves."
I look back at my kids' baby pictures and it does feel like another time. A different world and one that I feel I was barely present for. I look at the pictures and think "I hardly remember them being so small". I think that's what people mean by them growing up fast; the fact that they hardly remember the happy moments of those first few years. But is this because it goes fast or because it actually goes dreadfully slow and you're so freaking busy in the day to day caring of a needy infant and simply in survival mode that you are not able to take a single second to step back and truly enjoy their cuteness?
I tend to think it's the latter. It's easy to look back at baby pics and videos and think "oh they were so cute and sweet" but if we let ourselves truly stop and think about what that time was like, do we really miss it? I know I don't. Constant crying, waking up at night, gassiness, fussiness, eating every two hours, clinginess etc...
They were sure cute but it was also sure miserable! It didn't go fast. It went slow. I couldn't wait to get to the point I'm at now. I actually have time to freaking blog!!!
Yes, it is a blur... I hardly remember the details of them being babies, but it's not because it flew by, it's because I was too busy to remember any of it.
Grandparents say that having grandkids is so much better than having kids. I'm sure this is because they are not so busy with the day to day responsibilities, so they are able to truly enjoy the moments that they were not able to as parents.
I personally dislike the infant stage most. I LOVE when they get past two years and I really can enjoy them because I'm not so busy caring for their every need, and time finally stops going so dreadfully slow.
Does it really? Do they really?
I'm not so sure I agree with this. I felt like the first year of the twins' life was going by incredibly slow. Every day was so difficult that I just remember saying over and over "I can't wait until they turn one and can walk." Then after the first birthday came and went I said "I can't wait til they turn two and can talk and feed themselves."
I look back at my kids' baby pictures and it does feel like another time. A different world and one that I feel I was barely present for. I look at the pictures and think "I hardly remember them being so small". I think that's what people mean by them growing up fast; the fact that they hardly remember the happy moments of those first few years. But is this because it goes fast or because it actually goes dreadfully slow and you're so freaking busy in the day to day caring of a needy infant and simply in survival mode that you are not able to take a single second to step back and truly enjoy their cuteness?
I tend to think it's the latter. It's easy to look back at baby pics and videos and think "oh they were so cute and sweet" but if we let ourselves truly stop and think about what that time was like, do we really miss it? I know I don't. Constant crying, waking up at night, gassiness, fussiness, eating every two hours, clinginess etc...
They were sure cute but it was also sure miserable! It didn't go fast. It went slow. I couldn't wait to get to the point I'm at now. I actually have time to freaking blog!!!
Yes, it is a blur... I hardly remember the details of them being babies, but it's not because it flew by, it's because I was too busy to remember any of it.
Grandparents say that having grandkids is so much better than having kids. I'm sure this is because they are not so busy with the day to day responsibilities, so they are able to truly enjoy the moments that they were not able to as parents.
I personally dislike the infant stage most. I LOVE when they get past two years and I really can enjoy them because I'm not so busy caring for their every need, and time finally stops going so dreadfully slow.
Friday, June 6, 2014
selfishless
Having kids starts off as a very selfish act. We want a baby to love. We want to experience parenthood. We want to feel what it's like to carry a baby in our belly. We want our OWN baby. A baby that has our genetics, that will look like us and act like us. We know the world is over populated and doesn't need more children, but we still want our own. Selfish.
And then they get here. It's amazing and wonderful and everything you selfishly wanted.
But, it quickly turns into the most selfless thing you've ever done. Once you get that baby home from the hospital, reality hits you hard in the face. You give up sleep, decent meals, showers, your body, energy, time to do ANYTHING for yourself, tons of money and often your sanity. All to care for this precious baby we so selfishly wanted. Being a parent may start off as a personal desire but it becomes the most selfless thing anyone can ever do. It's not a temporary act of kindness. It's a lifelong commitment to putting someone else before yourself. Often you even lose part of yourself when you take on the identity of "mom".
I don't think anyone who is not a parent knows the true meaning of being a completely selfless person and truly giving all of yourself. Except maybe Jesus.
Since being a mom, I have less respect for anyone who is not yet a parent. (I am NOT talking about people who have fertility issues but are trying to be parents. For these people, I feel incredible sympathy!)
I'm talking about people who are just waiting to have kids or don't want them at all. I get it, I do, and I''m not saying anyone should have kids before they're ready. Enjoy your time! I did.
But what I feel is that they just don't "know" yet. They are on a completely different level of experience in life. Their complaints are petty. Their conversations are pointless. They seem, well, selfish.
And then they get here. It's amazing and wonderful and everything you selfishly wanted.
But, it quickly turns into the most selfless thing you've ever done. Once you get that baby home from the hospital, reality hits you hard in the face. You give up sleep, decent meals, showers, your body, energy, time to do ANYTHING for yourself, tons of money and often your sanity. All to care for this precious baby we so selfishly wanted. Being a parent may start off as a personal desire but it becomes the most selfless thing anyone can ever do. It's not a temporary act of kindness. It's a lifelong commitment to putting someone else before yourself. Often you even lose part of yourself when you take on the identity of "mom".
I don't think anyone who is not a parent knows the true meaning of being a completely selfless person and truly giving all of yourself. Except maybe Jesus.
Since being a mom, I have less respect for anyone who is not yet a parent. (I am NOT talking about people who have fertility issues but are trying to be parents. For these people, I feel incredible sympathy!)
I'm talking about people who are just waiting to have kids or don't want them at all. I get it, I do, and I''m not saying anyone should have kids before they're ready. Enjoy your time! I did.
But what I feel is that they just don't "know" yet. They are on a completely different level of experience in life. Their complaints are petty. Their conversations are pointless. They seem, well, selfish.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Saturdays
I love love love my kids on Saturdays when Erik is home to help! I look at them with amazement and can enjoy every moment to the fullest.
three very young kids is just a lot for one person to handle. I get lost in the demands and needs and overwhelming fussiness that I can't see past it during my days at home alone with them. But when the weekend comes and I have help and can actually take the kids out of the house and have fun, I'm able to realize just how much I love them
three very young kids is just a lot for one person to handle. I get lost in the demands and needs and overwhelming fussiness that I can't see past it during my days at home alone with them. But when the weekend comes and I have help and can actually take the kids out of the house and have fun, I'm able to realize just how much I love them
men are smart
Every woman wants babies. They push to get pregnant and work hard to convince their husbands that it's time to have children.
In most cases, the men are hesitant. They talk about how much work it will be and what a strain it will be on their relationship and finances.
And every wife says no, no, no don't worry about that, It'll be great, it'll be fun and wonderful... let's have a baby!!!
And then the baby comes and we realize how right on our husbands were.
Our hormones rule us and drive us to have children, despite any reality men may try to make us aware of.
They are right, kids are harder than we think!
But I guess if we didn't have these female hormones, no one would ever have kids and then where would all the joy be?
In most cases, the men are hesitant. They talk about how much work it will be and what a strain it will be on their relationship and finances.
And every wife says no, no, no don't worry about that, It'll be great, it'll be fun and wonderful... let's have a baby!!!
And then the baby comes and we realize how right on our husbands were.
Our hormones rule us and drive us to have children, despite any reality men may try to make us aware of.
They are right, kids are harder than we think!
But I guess if we didn't have these female hormones, no one would ever have kids and then where would all the joy be?
sacrifice and charity
Since having kids, I have no time or energy to give to any type of charity work, nor do I have any money to give as all my money is tied up in daycare costs.
Should I feel bad? Guilty?
Well, I've decided that the answer is a big fat no! Having kids is the ultimate sacrifice. I've given up all my time, all my interests and all my money to care for these little people. I dedicate every moment of my life to make sure they are fed, clothed, happy, educated, and mentally stable.
Anyone can make one trip to an orphanage or donate some money to starving children, but the real challenge would be to take three of those kids home with you and be completely responsible for them for the rest of your life.
Having kids has taught me so many lessons and changed me as a person in so many ways, and one of those is learning what true sacrifice is. Giving of your whole self.
Being the best mom I can be and doing my best to put my kids first is my responsibility and how I'm currently serving God. My children are Gods children that he has given to me to guide and help turn them into good people.
It is a difficult job, but like any mission, it also brings immense rewards.
The twins are almost two and I am very proud of myself for making it through those first two years without running away or going off the deep end. They were hard years, but I stuck with it and put my kids first.
I had felt bad that I haven't been going to church and I haven't been available to help people out, but it's because I've been helping three very needy people 24/7. I shouldn't feel bad about that.
Being a mom is the ultimate mission, charity and sacrifice.
Should I feel bad? Guilty?
Well, I've decided that the answer is a big fat no! Having kids is the ultimate sacrifice. I've given up all my time, all my interests and all my money to care for these little people. I dedicate every moment of my life to make sure they are fed, clothed, happy, educated, and mentally stable.
Anyone can make one trip to an orphanage or donate some money to starving children, but the real challenge would be to take three of those kids home with you and be completely responsible for them for the rest of your life.
Having kids has taught me so many lessons and changed me as a person in so many ways, and one of those is learning what true sacrifice is. Giving of your whole self.
Being the best mom I can be and doing my best to put my kids first is my responsibility and how I'm currently serving God. My children are Gods children that he has given to me to guide and help turn them into good people.
It is a difficult job, but like any mission, it also brings immense rewards.
The twins are almost two and I am very proud of myself for making it through those first two years without running away or going off the deep end. They were hard years, but I stuck with it and put my kids first.
I had felt bad that I haven't been going to church and I haven't been available to help people out, but it's because I've been helping three very needy people 24/7. I shouldn't feel bad about that.
Being a mom is the ultimate mission, charity and sacrifice.
Friday, March 7, 2014
supernanny
I used to really like the show super nanny. I thought her methods were great and swore I would do them with my kids.
But then I had kids. I still think her methods are effective and probably the best ways to get the job done. The problem is that she has no sympathy or empathy for how insanely hard these peoples lives are and that by the end of the day, the last thing they want to do is spend two hours calmly putting their child back in their bed 1,292 times. Sometimes it's just easier to put a lock on the outside of the door. I'm sorry super nanny, but working with children is not the same thing as living with them 24/7. There is a point where you are just so exhausted and worn down and sometimes it's okay to not be the perfect parents.
We do the best we can to simply survive the insanity of having kids.
But then I had kids. I still think her methods are effective and probably the best ways to get the job done. The problem is that she has no sympathy or empathy for how insanely hard these peoples lives are and that by the end of the day, the last thing they want to do is spend two hours calmly putting their child back in their bed 1,292 times. Sometimes it's just easier to put a lock on the outside of the door. I'm sorry super nanny, but working with children is not the same thing as living with them 24/7. There is a point where you are just so exhausted and worn down and sometimes it's okay to not be the perfect parents.
We do the best we can to simply survive the insanity of having kids.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Teachers
Bless them! Seriously. They take my kids all day and teach them things and keep them entertained so that I don't have to. At no cost to me, other than taxes of course. When it comes to education, I LOVE taxes!
I will admit I'm not the most entertaining of moms. I stress about my clean house too much to spend all day coming up with fun and educational activities for my kids. And I don't enjoy that stuff enough to do it ALL the time.
I love the occasional kid game or making valentines for my kids valentine party, but I don't have the personality to enjoy doing kid things all the time.
I don't have a kid like imagination. I am the type of mom who LOVES to watch my kids play, but I don't really want to join in.
So, for me, having my kids go off to school, gets them the fun activities, education and social interaction they need without me having to do a thing! Awesome.
Moms who home school... you are better than me. Really you are! In this area anyway. You allow your house to be turned into a school, you devote all your time to educating and entertaining your kids. You give up your free time and alone time. You give up quiet days of having the house to yourself and the ability to run errands alone. And you enjoy it?! Maybe you don't, i dunno, maybe you do it because you feel like it's best. Either way, you're better than me.
I am just starting to see a glimpse of the future of my kids being in elementary school. My oldest goes to preschool an extra day each week while I'm home (not at work) and it's glorious. And in the last couple weeks I've had a couple of days where I'm home alone while I put all three kids in school. It's expensive right now, but in a little over three years, this amazing luxury will be FREE! Sometimes I can see why some parents send their kids to boarding school.
And luckily, although I feel home schooling moms are better than me, I don't feel that their kids are better off for it. I don't have to feel guilty that I'm not as enthusiastic as those moms because I feel my kids LOVE going to school. And I feel that it's really good for them. My oldest pre schooler by far learns better from her teachers than she does from me. I'm mom, she doesn't see me in the same light that she sees her teacher in that institutional setting.
I like the socialization they get and the variety of activities and ways of learning that I know I could never come up with myself or be enthusiastic about.
I love public school. I love teachers. I will make a huge effort to show my kids' teachers my appreciation! I can NOT imagine dealing with that many kids every day.
I'm so fortunate to live in an area with great public education.
Thank you teachers.
I will admit I'm not the most entertaining of moms. I stress about my clean house too much to spend all day coming up with fun and educational activities for my kids. And I don't enjoy that stuff enough to do it ALL the time.
I love the occasional kid game or making valentines for my kids valentine party, but I don't have the personality to enjoy doing kid things all the time.
I don't have a kid like imagination. I am the type of mom who LOVES to watch my kids play, but I don't really want to join in.
So, for me, having my kids go off to school, gets them the fun activities, education and social interaction they need without me having to do a thing! Awesome.
Moms who home school... you are better than me. Really you are! In this area anyway. You allow your house to be turned into a school, you devote all your time to educating and entertaining your kids. You give up your free time and alone time. You give up quiet days of having the house to yourself and the ability to run errands alone. And you enjoy it?! Maybe you don't, i dunno, maybe you do it because you feel like it's best. Either way, you're better than me.
I am just starting to see a glimpse of the future of my kids being in elementary school. My oldest goes to preschool an extra day each week while I'm home (not at work) and it's glorious. And in the last couple weeks I've had a couple of days where I'm home alone while I put all three kids in school. It's expensive right now, but in a little over three years, this amazing luxury will be FREE! Sometimes I can see why some parents send their kids to boarding school.
And luckily, although I feel home schooling moms are better than me, I don't feel that their kids are better off for it. I don't have to feel guilty that I'm not as enthusiastic as those moms because I feel my kids LOVE going to school. And I feel that it's really good for them. My oldest pre schooler by far learns better from her teachers than she does from me. I'm mom, she doesn't see me in the same light that she sees her teacher in that institutional setting.
I like the socialization they get and the variety of activities and ways of learning that I know I could never come up with myself or be enthusiastic about.
I love public school. I love teachers. I will make a huge effort to show my kids' teachers my appreciation! I can NOT imagine dealing with that many kids every day.
I'm so fortunate to live in an area with great public education.
Thank you teachers.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
everything is easier
It's amazing what I used to think was stressful or hard. Having kids really puts things into perspective. For instance, studying. I have to study for the NRP exam that I'm required to renew every two years for my job. On monday the kids went to daycare for the whole day because I had an afternoon meeting. I used the morning hours without my kids (rare) to study for this test.
I was sprawled out on my comfy couch reading the book and taking notes. It was GLORIOUS. I thought to myself "remember when I thought this was hard?" Back in college when I thought my life was so stressful. Now, I will say that yes it was stressful. I will give it that. But hard? Maybe a little, but nothing compared to having kids. Studying is relaxing compared to my children. You get to sit on the couch while you read and write. It's for no one but YOU. It's all about YOU and advancing YOURSELF. It's productive and concrete and you can actually mark things off your list and feel like you're getting somewhere.
Being home taking care of kids is mind numbing, unproductive and you are constantly doing for others and giving of yourself to them. There is no time for yourself to do anything you would like to do, other than the tiny window of time when you hopefully get them to all nap at once and then you have to decide between productivity and rest for that hour and a half.
I hear people at work complain about how much they don't wanna be at work and I think "this is my break, this is my day off". Even work is easy compared to being at home.
And people without kids say "I really need a vacation" and I think "a vacation from what? Every day is a vacation for you." they go home and do whatever they want whenever they want. Four days a week all to themselves and the other three are spent at EASY work. And they only have to get themselves ready for that day, no one else. SO EASY!
I never ever realized how easy I had it before kids. Now everything is so hard.
I was sprawled out on my comfy couch reading the book and taking notes. It was GLORIOUS. I thought to myself "remember when I thought this was hard?" Back in college when I thought my life was so stressful. Now, I will say that yes it was stressful. I will give it that. But hard? Maybe a little, but nothing compared to having kids. Studying is relaxing compared to my children. You get to sit on the couch while you read and write. It's for no one but YOU. It's all about YOU and advancing YOURSELF. It's productive and concrete and you can actually mark things off your list and feel like you're getting somewhere.
Being home taking care of kids is mind numbing, unproductive and you are constantly doing for others and giving of yourself to them. There is no time for yourself to do anything you would like to do, other than the tiny window of time when you hopefully get them to all nap at once and then you have to decide between productivity and rest for that hour and a half.
I hear people at work complain about how much they don't wanna be at work and I think "this is my break, this is my day off". Even work is easy compared to being at home.
And people without kids say "I really need a vacation" and I think "a vacation from what? Every day is a vacation for you." they go home and do whatever they want whenever they want. Four days a week all to themselves and the other three are spent at EASY work. And they only have to get themselves ready for that day, no one else. SO EASY!
I never ever realized how easy I had it before kids. Now everything is so hard.
Monday, February 3, 2014
drugs
I really do love my children, and what makes me sure of this is that I don't do some of the things I would like to do because I care about their well being enough not to do them.
On really bad days I have dreamed of running away from my life and just relaxing by myself. But I never would. Never could. I love my kids too much to be that selfish and do that to them. It would wreck their mental health forever.
The other thing I've dreamed of doing (only since having kids) is taking drugs. I have never been so overwhelmed, stressed, run down and exhausted with life as I am having three very young children. I can see now how some people are pushed to drugs because honestly it kinda sounds lovely.
A few months ago I had a canker sore gone bad and I was in throbbing pain, so I took a hydrocodone that I had left over from my tubal ligation surgery.
It made me high as a kite. I was very sleepy but also unusually happy. I just felt like smiling. In that moment I thought "this would be nice to have all the time". To just escape all of this and feel like smiling. Lovely.
BUT I can't just sleep all the time. My kids need me to be present, alert and interact and care for them. Not high on pills. This is of course a no brainer and I would never do this either, I'm just saying I could see the appeal.
I also had a bad cold a couple months ago and took sudafed and noticed how energized I felt while taking it. I wasn't so sleepy and dragging all the time. I was picking up the house like super mom and not even getting worn out. I had a thought of taking a sudafed every day. No harm in that right? But then I was reading side effects like heart attack and stroke and decided to come back down to reality and realize that's probably a bad idea as well. I'd be a freaking good mom though! I can see why some people start doing meth because they need to get things done.
Momma could use some chemical energy! Too bad it makes your life spiral out of control, and it's illegal and all those other small details.
I've never done any drugs and I've never and still don't drink. I've never understood drug addicts and always thought of myself as better than them. But then again I thought I was literally perfect before I had kids. Really. I had never made any bad mistakes, I did everything right and could not understand why other people could not be like me.
Then I had kids and they humbled me. For the first time in my life I couldn't handle it all . I couldn't keep it all together. The stress was and is too much for me. My house fell apart. It's a mess all the time. My perfect dinner schedule went out the window. I could no longer keep up with the budget and bills and handed that responsibility over to my husband. I gained weight from stress eating. I couldn't succeed at breast feeding. In fact, I hated it. My kids do not eat all organic perfectly balanced diets. I thought I would be a perfect mom to go along with my perfect self, but I'm not.
I'm tired. Sometimes too tired to care if they eat nothing but cookies. That's reality. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And maybe this reality of having kids has been good for me. It's good for me to realize I'm just human and I'm not better than anyone. Not even a drug addict.
On really bad days I have dreamed of running away from my life and just relaxing by myself. But I never would. Never could. I love my kids too much to be that selfish and do that to them. It would wreck their mental health forever.
The other thing I've dreamed of doing (only since having kids) is taking drugs. I have never been so overwhelmed, stressed, run down and exhausted with life as I am having three very young children. I can see now how some people are pushed to drugs because honestly it kinda sounds lovely.
A few months ago I had a canker sore gone bad and I was in throbbing pain, so I took a hydrocodone that I had left over from my tubal ligation surgery.
It made me high as a kite. I was very sleepy but also unusually happy. I just felt like smiling. In that moment I thought "this would be nice to have all the time". To just escape all of this and feel like smiling. Lovely.
BUT I can't just sleep all the time. My kids need me to be present, alert and interact and care for them. Not high on pills. This is of course a no brainer and I would never do this either, I'm just saying I could see the appeal.
I also had a bad cold a couple months ago and took sudafed and noticed how energized I felt while taking it. I wasn't so sleepy and dragging all the time. I was picking up the house like super mom and not even getting worn out. I had a thought of taking a sudafed every day. No harm in that right? But then I was reading side effects like heart attack and stroke and decided to come back down to reality and realize that's probably a bad idea as well. I'd be a freaking good mom though! I can see why some people start doing meth because they need to get things done.
Momma could use some chemical energy! Too bad it makes your life spiral out of control, and it's illegal and all those other small details.
I've never done any drugs and I've never and still don't drink. I've never understood drug addicts and always thought of myself as better than them. But then again I thought I was literally perfect before I had kids. Really. I had never made any bad mistakes, I did everything right and could not understand why other people could not be like me.
Then I had kids and they humbled me. For the first time in my life I couldn't handle it all . I couldn't keep it all together. The stress was and is too much for me. My house fell apart. It's a mess all the time. My perfect dinner schedule went out the window. I could no longer keep up with the budget and bills and handed that responsibility over to my husband. I gained weight from stress eating. I couldn't succeed at breast feeding. In fact, I hated it. My kids do not eat all organic perfectly balanced diets. I thought I would be a perfect mom to go along with my perfect self, but I'm not.
I'm tired. Sometimes too tired to care if they eat nothing but cookies. That's reality. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And maybe this reality of having kids has been good for me. It's good for me to realize I'm just human and I'm not better than anyone. Not even a drug addict.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Exhausted
Today I've changed four poopy diapers, wiped snotty noses 35 times, refilled a sippy cup of chocolate milk six times, had my hair pulled four times, said "no no" 18 times, wiped messy hands and faces 5 times, broken up a fight 9 times, tripped on toys three times, watched two kid movies, and listened to crying whining or screaming 892 times.
wasting time
When I have very young children, I have this problem of not taking advantage of every single opportunity to be productive. Sometimes it's just because I'm so exhausted that all I want to do is rest, which I guess is ok, but more often, exhaustion is not the reason.
I find myself just standing or sitting and doing absolutely nothing in a moment while the kids are doing a good job of entertaining themselves. I could be getting some laundry folded or dishes put away, but I don't.
I call this couch prison.
I almost feel trapped or frozen. Like I really want to get up and get busy but something is holding me back. Not energy, but something else.
I'm not sure if it's that if I get up and start doing something, they will hear me and suddenly I will have distracted them from their lovely self play and then they will stop playing and proceed to whine at my ankles.
Or maybe it's that I hate starting a project and not being able to finish it. It drives me crazy if I start cleaning the kitchen and have all the momentum going and suddenly I have to stop to console/feed/ clean or rescue someone and don't get to finish what I was doing. Because with my kids, once you've picked them up, it's hard to put them back down and it's almost not worth the fight.
And then I'm left looking at a kitchen that still appears fairly dirty even after I put in all that work. It's extremely frustrating and defeating.
Or maybe it's that I've grown to feel like it's pointless to pick up the house. I clean up the kids rooms and playroom and put everything in these nicely organized bins and beautifully lined up rows only for them to dump all the bins out into a giant pile on the floor again.
Some moms are able to get their kids to only play with one toy at a time and know to pick up one toy before getting out the next but I'm not sure how they do this. Do they monitor their playing continuously? These seem to be the same moms whose house is always perfectly clean. But when do they have time to clean it if they are always hovering over their kids?
I don't know about them but as soon as my kids find an activity that entertains them, I feel like that is my chance to finally walk away and either get something done or just have a moment to myself. And this is when they proceed to completely trash a room that I have recently cleaned. Sometimes I think it's better to just leave the room trashed all the time and not waste my efforts.
Or maybe the couch prison moment is when the kids are napping. I have a pretty small one story house and most cleaning has the potential to wake them up.
Whatever the reason, I just know I'm always feeling behind and out of time yet I also feel like I have moments where I'm doing nothing. My house is forever a mess and I think I will forever feel like I'm failing at this perfect mom thing.
What about the mom?
I haven't blogged in over a year since the twins were born because well, who has time to sit down and type? Not this mom. Today the kids are playing nicely together, so here it is, a whole new blog since the old one was primarily about pregnancy. This one is about the reality oof being a mom. Specifically, the negative aspects that no one likes to talk about.
As I was on a family trip out of town this past week, I heard multiple people say they were concerned about how tired Erik seemed/ must be and that maybe they should do something to give HIM some rest. This really got to me because this seems to be a common theme. "He has all three kids by himself?" "I bet he's tired when you get home from work!" "He deserves an award". People act like he's doing me a favor, like he's babysitting for me or something. Guess what, these are HIS kids too!
I need to say here that Erik is an amazing husband and father and ALWAYS helps me as much as he can and never makes me feel like it's only my job. It's all the other peoples comments that irritate me.
What I've realized is that simply because I'm the mom, I must enjoy every second of being around the kids. When you become a mom, you stop being seen as a human. You shouldn't get tired or irritated or overwhelmed. You're suddenly ONLY a mom. Time for yourself? Not necessary. Need for adult conversation? Not anymore. Rest? Forget it. Moms seem to actually be looked down on if they want time away from their children. If we have a day where we just want to lay on the couch and let the kids destroy the house, people think you are a bad mom.
I have a relative who once criticized my sister a few years ago (who was a stay at home mom) for being on facebook too much. Now that I have kids of my own, I see why she was on Facebook a lot. Being at home with three little kids is isolating and lonely and mind numbing. You don't talk to anyone about anything interesting. You don't do anything productive. You sit around in piles of toys and laundry that you can't do anything about because these clingy little monkeys scream and pull on your pant legs if you try to move two feet away from them. Facebook is a peek into the outside world. It's a bit like being in prison and you'll take any opportunity to see what other adults are doing or to engage in conversation with them. This relative who criticized my sister had no idea what she was going through and he is of course a man. Men are treated differently in the parenting world. It is normal for them to need time for themselves or take a break and they deserve a prize in other peoples eyes if they help out with bath or dinner time. Do moms get a prize? No. In fact, you are scrutinized if you don't do it perfectly. Everything is the moms fault and the moms responsibility. If someone comes to my house and sees just how messy it is, they don't think "man Erik needs to clean up", nope it's on me.
Erik has the kids alone about once every two weeks and every single time, his parents offer to help him out. I have the kids alone six times as much as he does and it is rare that someone offers to help me and when they do it is always because I prompted it with some kind of desperate facebook status or text describing how miserable my day is. An offer "just because" someone felt like helping almost never happens for me.
I took my kids into paul mitchell the school so my younger sister could do their hair for their birthday portrait session. I got a few "looks" (not friendly) and my sister tells me that they don't really like kids here. They like to keep a "professional" image and kids get on peoples nerves. Paul mitchell is not the only place I've encountered like this. Most of the world does not accommodate children. The thing is, I agree that kids are freaking annoying. Believe me, I have to live with them! But I'm still a person who needs to go places and get things done and because I have kids, I'm not welcome. I am a "professional" as well, but now that I've procreated, I don't belong in those places. People have kids. Always have, Always will. It's a part of life that people who don't currently have young kids refuse to accommodate. Just one more way that moms are isolated.
I like to compare this to handicapped people. Businesses are required to go out of their way to accommodate them. It is wrong to think of them as being in the way or as being a bother. They make ramps for them and help them out the door. As they should!
But moms should be seen as having a handicap too. We have these mentally impaired people who don't yet know social rules or how to follow directions. Often we are wheeling them around in "wheelchairs" (strollers).
Or the elderly. They often need a glass of water to take their medication or help to and from their cars and people are always willing to help. They are not unwelcome in public places because they take a little more maintenance.
If anything, people should feel sorry for moms and be willing to help them make even the smallest task just a little bit easier. My kids are getting on your nerves? Imagine how I feel! I'm the one responsible for trying to keep them quiet so they don't bother you. What I really want to say is "you know what, I don't feel sorry for you! You have to endure 15 minutes of more noise than you would like? And then you can go back to your quiet car and your quiet home and do whatever the hell you want? Cry me a freaking river! Do you have any idea how hard my daily life is?!"
I often have three screaming children in the back seat. Once in this past year I was driving along and both twins were crying and Corynn was whining something at me. Anyone who has experienced driving with criers knows just how nerve wracking it is! Really one of the most irritating things. Of course I was in a hurry to get home and get the kids the heck out of the car and so at one point I cut a lady off to quickly get in the lane I needed. She honked at me and made some kind of angry gesture in my rear view mirror. But I didn't feel bad at all! She was a 50 something lady in a comfortable luxury car ALONE, with a cold beverage in her hand and probably listening to her favorite music. I don't feel even a little bit bad that I made her have to hit her brakes. Again, cry me a freaking river. I need a bumper sticker that says "screaming babies on board... mom gone crazy".
I know many people think and say "you had the kids, you take care of them". Yes I did have these kids and I REALLY wanted these kids, and it is my job to raise them and I don't expect anyone else to take care of them but it would be nice if people had the attitude of "what can I do to make a moms day easier?" instead of "get your kids away from me".
And this is from people who don't currently have kids...not to mention the mompetition from all the other moms who always think their way is the only and the best way to be a mom. But that's a whole other post.
I often think that I love love love my kids but I don't love being a mom. It's hard hard work with no breaks. Sometimes I think "why did I want kids again?" (Of course I'm frequently reminded of the answer to that question).
They are my greatest gift and blessing and I love them more than anything, but the day to day business of taking care of them can really bring a girl down. I have never needed an antidepressant until now. I started taking one when the twins were five months old and it does help.
But I can't help but still be saddened by the lack of sympathy and support that is out there for moms. People either don't get it or just don't care.
I hear a lot of "I did my time" from the older generations when they want to do anything but help me. I get that. In fact, I already look forward to when I can say the same words. But my goal is to try not to. I suppose they say it because the same words were spoken to them. They did most of the work alone so they too are completely worn out. Whereas if people had been willing to help them, they might not be as tired and wouldn't think of it as "doing time" and in return they would help me. Someone along the way has to change that cycle of thinking. I hope I can do that for my adult children.
Now, I'm not wanting someone to watch my kids for me every day. But the occasional "I can watch them for an hour while you clean your kitchen" would sure be nice.
It's no secret that early motherhood has been a struggle for me! I was an older sibling of much younger siblings that I helped care for often and I'm a NICU nurse surrounded by babies and yet I STILL didn't realize what I was getting myself into. It is so much harder than anyone can ever prepare you for.
Up until age two when they know how to use words, a fork and the toilet, motherhoood doesn't suit me well. Not that I'm not good at it. In fact, I think I'm pretty amazing at it considering I had a two year old and twin infants. I mean, that alone makes me supermom. When I say it doesn't suit me, I mean I don't enjoy it. I didn't like breast feeding, I don't like baby wearing, and I can't stand the screaming. I much prefer kids over babies.
feels good to vent about it a bit. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
As I was on a family trip out of town this past week, I heard multiple people say they were concerned about how tired Erik seemed/ must be and that maybe they should do something to give HIM some rest. This really got to me because this seems to be a common theme. "He has all three kids by himself?" "I bet he's tired when you get home from work!" "He deserves an award". People act like he's doing me a favor, like he's babysitting for me or something. Guess what, these are HIS kids too!
I need to say here that Erik is an amazing husband and father and ALWAYS helps me as much as he can and never makes me feel like it's only my job. It's all the other peoples comments that irritate me.
What I've realized is that simply because I'm the mom, I must enjoy every second of being around the kids. When you become a mom, you stop being seen as a human. You shouldn't get tired or irritated or overwhelmed. You're suddenly ONLY a mom. Time for yourself? Not necessary. Need for adult conversation? Not anymore. Rest? Forget it. Moms seem to actually be looked down on if they want time away from their children. If we have a day where we just want to lay on the couch and let the kids destroy the house, people think you are a bad mom.
I have a relative who once criticized my sister a few years ago (who was a stay at home mom) for being on facebook too much. Now that I have kids of my own, I see why she was on Facebook a lot. Being at home with three little kids is isolating and lonely and mind numbing. You don't talk to anyone about anything interesting. You don't do anything productive. You sit around in piles of toys and laundry that you can't do anything about because these clingy little monkeys scream and pull on your pant legs if you try to move two feet away from them. Facebook is a peek into the outside world. It's a bit like being in prison and you'll take any opportunity to see what other adults are doing or to engage in conversation with them. This relative who criticized my sister had no idea what she was going through and he is of course a man. Men are treated differently in the parenting world. It is normal for them to need time for themselves or take a break and they deserve a prize in other peoples eyes if they help out with bath or dinner time. Do moms get a prize? No. In fact, you are scrutinized if you don't do it perfectly. Everything is the moms fault and the moms responsibility. If someone comes to my house and sees just how messy it is, they don't think "man Erik needs to clean up", nope it's on me.
Erik has the kids alone about once every two weeks and every single time, his parents offer to help him out. I have the kids alone six times as much as he does and it is rare that someone offers to help me and when they do it is always because I prompted it with some kind of desperate facebook status or text describing how miserable my day is. An offer "just because" someone felt like helping almost never happens for me.
I took my kids into paul mitchell the school so my younger sister could do their hair for their birthday portrait session. I got a few "looks" (not friendly) and my sister tells me that they don't really like kids here. They like to keep a "professional" image and kids get on peoples nerves. Paul mitchell is not the only place I've encountered like this. Most of the world does not accommodate children. The thing is, I agree that kids are freaking annoying. Believe me, I have to live with them! But I'm still a person who needs to go places and get things done and because I have kids, I'm not welcome. I am a "professional" as well, but now that I've procreated, I don't belong in those places. People have kids. Always have, Always will. It's a part of life that people who don't currently have young kids refuse to accommodate. Just one more way that moms are isolated.
I like to compare this to handicapped people. Businesses are required to go out of their way to accommodate them. It is wrong to think of them as being in the way or as being a bother. They make ramps for them and help them out the door. As they should!
But moms should be seen as having a handicap too. We have these mentally impaired people who don't yet know social rules or how to follow directions. Often we are wheeling them around in "wheelchairs" (strollers).
Or the elderly. They often need a glass of water to take their medication or help to and from their cars and people are always willing to help. They are not unwelcome in public places because they take a little more maintenance.
If anything, people should feel sorry for moms and be willing to help them make even the smallest task just a little bit easier. My kids are getting on your nerves? Imagine how I feel! I'm the one responsible for trying to keep them quiet so they don't bother you. What I really want to say is "you know what, I don't feel sorry for you! You have to endure 15 minutes of more noise than you would like? And then you can go back to your quiet car and your quiet home and do whatever the hell you want? Cry me a freaking river! Do you have any idea how hard my daily life is?!"
I often have three screaming children in the back seat. Once in this past year I was driving along and both twins were crying and Corynn was whining something at me. Anyone who has experienced driving with criers knows just how nerve wracking it is! Really one of the most irritating things. Of course I was in a hurry to get home and get the kids the heck out of the car and so at one point I cut a lady off to quickly get in the lane I needed. She honked at me and made some kind of angry gesture in my rear view mirror. But I didn't feel bad at all! She was a 50 something lady in a comfortable luxury car ALONE, with a cold beverage in her hand and probably listening to her favorite music. I don't feel even a little bit bad that I made her have to hit her brakes. Again, cry me a freaking river. I need a bumper sticker that says "screaming babies on board... mom gone crazy".
I know many people think and say "you had the kids, you take care of them". Yes I did have these kids and I REALLY wanted these kids, and it is my job to raise them and I don't expect anyone else to take care of them but it would be nice if people had the attitude of "what can I do to make a moms day easier?" instead of "get your kids away from me".
And this is from people who don't currently have kids...not to mention the mompetition from all the other moms who always think their way is the only and the best way to be a mom. But that's a whole other post.
I often think that I love love love my kids but I don't love being a mom. It's hard hard work with no breaks. Sometimes I think "why did I want kids again?" (Of course I'm frequently reminded of the answer to that question).
They are my greatest gift and blessing and I love them more than anything, but the day to day business of taking care of them can really bring a girl down. I have never needed an antidepressant until now. I started taking one when the twins were five months old and it does help.
But I can't help but still be saddened by the lack of sympathy and support that is out there for moms. People either don't get it or just don't care.
I hear a lot of "I did my time" from the older generations when they want to do anything but help me. I get that. In fact, I already look forward to when I can say the same words. But my goal is to try not to. I suppose they say it because the same words were spoken to them. They did most of the work alone so they too are completely worn out. Whereas if people had been willing to help them, they might not be as tired and wouldn't think of it as "doing time" and in return they would help me. Someone along the way has to change that cycle of thinking. I hope I can do that for my adult children.
Now, I'm not wanting someone to watch my kids for me every day. But the occasional "I can watch them for an hour while you clean your kitchen" would sure be nice.
It's no secret that early motherhood has been a struggle for me! I was an older sibling of much younger siblings that I helped care for often and I'm a NICU nurse surrounded by babies and yet I STILL didn't realize what I was getting myself into. It is so much harder than anyone can ever prepare you for.
Up until age two when they know how to use words, a fork and the toilet, motherhoood doesn't suit me well. Not that I'm not good at it. In fact, I think I'm pretty amazing at it considering I had a two year old and twin infants. I mean, that alone makes me supermom. When I say it doesn't suit me, I mean I don't enjoy it. I didn't like breast feeding, I don't like baby wearing, and I can't stand the screaming. I much prefer kids over babies.
feels good to vent about it a bit. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
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